Some behavioral science researchers (Ross Speck, MD, Uri Rueveni, and Joan Speck) examined social networks long before facebook, myspace, twitter or the internet even existed. Their discoveries and insights gave an understanding of social networks before modern social networks existed.
What they found gives you greater understanding in dealing with the affair situation. (Ironically, computer programmers later met with them in understanding networks and how they should be set up in the early days of the internet.)
First, the researchers found that the world is a ‘network of networks’. Each of these networks has different rules and ways of operating.
Crises arise when a person dis-integrates from their social networks. In your case, the crisis occurs when the cheater dis-integrates from their marriage and family network.
The cheater’s pulling out of the family, puts the family itself in crisis. I’m often amazed at how cheating parents want to blame misbehaving children for crises. Rather than acknowledging that they put the family in crisis, it’s easier blaming their kids.
The cheater put their social network in a higher priority position than the marriage/family. When that shift happens, things change.
The cheater’s bonds with you weakened. At the same time, their bond with another network strengthened.
The researchers also found that ‘illness’ is part of a sick/unhealthy network, rather than limited to the individual. The medical model wants to find the sick person.
With networks, you look for the illness in terms of unhealthy patterns, relationships and interactions. They also found when you separate a person from their network, they get sicker, more emotional, and more desolate.
These findings have important insights for you.
One, is when dealing with the cheater, changes will have to be made in not only the cheater, but many of their relationships (or systems) as well.
Although the old way of thinking is putting all the blame on the cheater, if you want long term change, you have to intervene with the networks. Stable long term relationships require these kinds of changes.
Changes are needed in how the cheater interacts with their social networks. This includes amount of contact with them, method of interacting, examining the role they play in the network, etc.
This also means its important understanding how the cheaters needs are met by the network.You’ll also benefit from knowing what needs are being met.
This also means talking about your relationship in terms of what each of you needs. Once you understand the needs along with how they were met, you and the cheater can find better ways of meeting their needs and yours.
This is why I address the importance of understanding those needs in the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop“. Taking these steps improve the long term health of your marriage.
The researchers found that when social networks are stressed, there are reactions. The members engage in what they called ‘retribalization’.
During this time, the target person renegotiates what tribe they belong to and how they deal with the tribe. With modern social networks, when the cheater is ‘stressed’ there is a higher risk of them reconnecting with old flames or old lovers.
The researchers also identified the stages people go through after ‘retribalization‘. Going into those stages requires longer explanations and more posts to go over.
The findings I reviewed will give you enough to get started on understanding their findings and how it applies to you.
What they found was that social networks do follow rules or patterns. You can know their rules and patterns.
Understanding those rules or patterns and how they impact the cheater along with how the cheater impacts them will help you in handling the social network phenomena.
There will always be a social network of some sort to deal with. Facebook, twitter and their ilk are only the latest manifestation of social networks.
Best Regards,
Jeff
