One of you readers posed the question “Are wives that swing bad partners?” Having a wife that swings is not a comfortable position to be in.
Although some husbands entertain fantasies of wives swinging, when it really happens, the situation often turns into a nightmare. The exciting fantasy becomes a living, breathing nightmare.
Two questions that you have to consider are 1) What is the cause of the swinging and 2) What are you looking for in a wife? Your answer to each of these questions are key in answering the question.
When ‘swinging’ is a reaction or leftover from earlier life sexual abuse, it is never a good thing. In such cases, the swinging may be their way of coping or ‘all that they know’. In more cases that I would like to think about, many women have been ‘trained’ to swing.
This is an unnatural phenomena. Despite what you heard in school about the findings of Margaret Mead, humans by nature do not naturally gravitate to swinging. When they do, you wonder whether they’ve been ‘brainwashed’ (trained) or drugged into doing it.
Early childhood sexual abuse is one of the ways people are trained in such patterns. Those early traumas and abuse train people in how to act and how to think about themselves.
There are some cases when swinging is done out of desperation, which are sad. In the desperation situations, the swinging is about survival, not about their own enjoyment. The motivation during those time is survival. Some couples in the swinging community exploit other couples. They use guilt or gifts as a way of keeping them in their own private harem.
In terms of sexual abuse or being trained, the swinging is often a form of coping. In many of these situations, the swinger has compartmentalized the parts of their life. Their ‘swinging’ side is kept separate from their daily person.
The tragedy is that what starts as a way of coping often contributes to eventual emotional breakdowns. Living two lives in two separate worlds takes its toll, and they break down. The swinger can often live this dual existence for long periods of time in a convincing manner, yet it eventually catches up to them.
When wives are sexual addicts, you’ll have rough road ahead of you. When it is a sexual addiction, then the swinging is not about the sex, it is about the biochemical high. Swinging is a high risk behavior, which intensifies the high that addicts seek.
The priority of the addicted brain is getting its fix. It demands stimulation! Everything else becomes secondary. The stimulation is what matters. If swinging is a way they have found to ‘get their fix’, you are dealing with a sexual addiction. Sexual addictions can be overcome, but not without struggle.
The second question is important to consider as well. What are you looking for in a wife? If you are looking for someone who is loyal to you above all others, you will have problems.
By its very nature, the swinger is bonding and hooking up with other people. They’re split in their loyalties and affections. If you promised to love, honor and cherish your spouse in sickness and in health, you will find your promise being tested. Can you love them through this is a tough and haunting question.
If your idea of a wife is someone who cooks, cleans and keeps house, then their swinging may not negatively impact what you expect from a spouse. Having a swinging wife will test your ideas of marriage, what are expectations of a wife and how far you are willing to put up with their unhealthy habits.
Swinging will definitely make the marriage harder than it would have been.
When you have been traumatized, there are reasons for you not being able to get over it’ and bounce back. Discover the tools, exercises and techniques you need in understanding and moving past what has happened to you. If that’s your situation, The video “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers“provides you with tools and ways of dealing with the situation.
Best Regards,
Jeff
