Making things “right” with your husband after an affair is challenging. Even when there’s only allegations of an affair, it’s tough. There are times when allegations do as much damage as an actual.
When men are cheated on, they often take it personally. Your cheating is not viewed as just something between you and your lover. It was also an insult to him. It was a proclamation to the world that the he’s “a loser”. If he already has a chip on his shoulder or feels inferior, he will react strongly.
When you cheated, it took away some of his dignity. The affair took away his security, his confidence and his manhood. Although you didn’t take those things away, they’ll feel as if you did.
If you’re one of those who believe that it’s “My body which I can do with what I want”, you do not understand relationships and will not be successful in making things right with your husband.
You are not understanding the bonding and interconnectedness needed for a relationship.
Making things right means you’ll have to re-commit to the relationship. He needs the reassurance that you are loyal to him and your marriage.
You’ll also have to find a way to restore the lost dignity. He needs to feel good about being a man and your husband again.
Once your husband is convinced that you are re-committed and his dignity is restored, then you’ll face the forgiveness issue, which may take months or years.He may become jealous for a while.
Scripture even mentions this when describing the reaction of a husband to adultery, “For jealousy is the rage of a man: therefore he will not spare in the day of vengeance (Proverbs 6:34).“
The wounding they experience when their wife has an affair often kindles a fire that burns a long, long time. The deeper the wounding, the longer the healing time is required. His confidence can return as he feels more secure in the marriage.
If the affair is only allegations, you may consider using a private eye or third party in verifying your claims.
Even after you have re-committed to your marriage, your husband may test you again and again. This is because they need many reassurances that you are ‘really’ back. Their mind may tell them you’re wanting to leave. You’re fighting against those thoughts in his head.
Although you said you were back, they need to ‘feel’ it. They know it in their head, yet it may take a while before they feel it in their heart. Much like an automobile accident victim often carries uncertainties and fear with them each time they get into another car.
Although the accident happened months or years before, the lingering feelings and images of what happened continue to torment them. There is always the fear that it will happen again.
The video “Help for the Cheater” addresses many more of the issues involved in making things right with your husband. The video details the areas where change is needed along with ways of handling the reaction to discovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
