Questions about shame have been showing up lately. Some of you want to know if the cheater will feel shame for what they did and when will they experience the shame.
Shame assumes that the cheater views what they did as ‘wrong’. Some cheaters do not view what they did as being wrong. If they do not view their cheating as wrong, they will not experience shame.True shame requires they express some form of remorse for the pain they caused along with a desire to do what is right.
They may regret getting caught, but that does not mean that they view what they did as wrong. Such cheaters will not experience any kind of shame. Sure, you may be able to nag them into a pseudo-shame, which is often more about getting you to quit nag them than it is about any kind of remorse or shame.
some cheaters may regret the pain they experienced from having their ego bruised. This is nothing more than a bruising of their selfishness. This is not ‘true’ shame, but instead ‘wounded ego’.
Shame also assumes that the cheater has morals. If you are dealing with a sociopath, narcissist or other kind of character disorder, they may not have morals in the sense that you think of morals.
Their reality is constructed differently than yours is. Any kind of morality they have is often based on external consequences and how they learned to deal with those consequences rather than an internal moral compass. They do not have a moral compass that gives them direction like other people have. You can put them into your box of expectations, but that is not going to change the way that they are wired internally.
Shame is not something that all cheaters experience. You will have to accept the painful reality this means. If you have married someone who does not experience shame, you have some challenges ahead of you. Your spouse is still lovable, although your way of approaching the affair issue will have to be modified.
Not every cheater will fit into the expectations you have based on the books you have read or movies you have watched. When it comes to affairs, there is no one size fits all answer. Yes, there are some truths that apply across the situations, yet when it comes to shame, not everyone will experience that discomfort.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
4 Responses
I find very interesting articles in your column. I love the fact that you include God as a restorer.
I have to mention that I find hope.
I’m in a difficult divorce with a sociopath but God had promised great restoration. At this point is hard for me to see it because I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but I have a lot of faith and God knows all things.
In the mean time I am working for the Lord, evangelizing and praying. I have asked God for a supernatural testimony of restoration and with God’s will a might be able to help marriages the way you doing it now.
God bless you and your work!
Dianne,
Thank you for your kind words. It encourages me that you are finding some hope. God is the one who restores. Restoring on any other foundation makes for more trouble. Although He does not restore each marriage following the same pattern or in the same way, He is still the source. I am glad to hear that you are working at evangelizing and praying. Dealing with sociopaths is very exasperating and draining. You will need support and encouragement. It often comes in places and ways that we are not expecting. When you open to accepting it, you will find it.
Prayerfully,
Jeff
Hi Jeff,
Thanks for sending the timely updates at the most critical time of my life. I have been in communication with you and your suggestions and advice have been like a ray of hope. Though not much has improved on the personal front reading your stuff has added a new dimesion to my thinking. I feel you are doing a incredible job by bringing these articles on the front . I am sure your drive has illuminated many lives like mine.
Thank you so much.
Naaz,
Thank you for your kind words. It makes me happy that the suggestions and content have been like a ray of hope. Hearing that it has added a new dimension to your thinking tells me that you are growing and have more hope than before. That is always refreshing news to hear.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah