How Dare You Question Me!

I’m often amazed when cheaters react with a “How dare you question me!” type of response. You’re probably astounded as such reactions as well.

Such reactions reveal that there’s a bizarre double-standard with cheaters. On one hand they want to indulge in whatever sexual and relational behaviors they can imagine, yet don’t want you to have the freedom to question them about what they have done.

I often see this with the polyamory and swinger populations. They want their freedom to indulge without anyone questioning them or what they do.

They want you to accept them and their lifestyle, yet they don’t want to accept traditional marriage and marriage roles. They don’t want you even questioning what they are doing.

The polyamory and swinger populations show intolerance to any moral boundaries. They also show an intolerance to being questioned or held accountable for what they are doing.

In their mind, “It’s not cheating, It’s swinging!” “It’s not sleeping around, It’s playing.”

Some of the most hostile reactions I’ve received to posts and tweets have come from articles scrutinizing their behaviors.Although I’ve thought that honest questions deserve honest answers, somehow this rule doesn’t apply to them.

When they  are hostile in public forums, it’s hard to conceive how hostile they become in private when it’s just you and them.

Although these populations often share this reactive response, the “How dare you question me!” attitude is not limited to such groups. Just because a cheater reacts in such a strong way doesn’t mean they belong to one of those groups.

Strong reaction like “How dare you question me!” are intentionally used for intimidation purposes. Strong reactions like that often shut down critics.

It means they’re playing a relationship game in a similar fashion to other groups who use similar ploys.

When a cheater reacts with a “How dare you question me!” statement they are turning the tables in the interaction. By turning the tables, they are usurping control.

When they react so strongly, it suddenly puts you on the defensive. Their reaction also shifts the focus of the conversation from the immorality of their behavior to the basis for you asking questions. It’s a way of putting you on the defensive rather than allow themselves to be questioned.

Cheaters who’ve become entrenched in their lifestyle don’t want to be questioned. They have worked out their own moral system and do not want you upsetting it with your questions.

Questions that shine the light of moral accountability onto their sexual proclivities make them feel uncomfortable. They will do and say whatever is needed to reverse roles.

They’ll want to make you feel uncomfortable and invasive for questioning them. The issue will be turned into your invasive questions and your prying rather than the rightness or wrongness of their peccadilloes.

They’ll view your questions as an encroachment on them and that encroachment will be seen as a bigger evil than their sexual indulgences.

They do have a sense of good and evil, it is just that what they consider evil or wrong is VERY different from what you consider evil or wrong.

The “How dare you question me!” response indicates that two moral systems are in conflict. The one using this ploy is trying to put their moral system on the same level as yours.

They’ll advocate that all moral systems are equal. They do not want their behavior evaluated according to your moral standards.

They want you to surrender your moral standards and any moral high ground you are standing on. They know that they can not get you to succumb to their system, but this ploy is an effort to keep you from questioning them in the future.

It’s a way of morally disarming you. The reality is that as their spouse, you can question them. You were married in the eyes of God, and are in a position to ask the cheater to remain loyal to their marriage vows.

Do not fall for their ploys. Know what you are up against and how you can deal with it.

Best Regards,

Jeff

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7 Responses

  1. My upbringing was that it was impolite to pry into anyone’s life….and this aspect of my character was what my husband was counting on. He also believed by his upbringing that it was not ‘right ‘ for him to tell me what to believe. He decided that he should simply make a private life when he decided he did not want to follow Jesus and the Bible once he began to be exposed to people in his workplace who were willing to encourage him to cheat.

    Now , since he had children with the OW he has put himself on a high moral plain by way of saying he cannot abandon having a relationship with the children he had with her. In order to do so he moved out , pays for himself to have a separate place to live even as our finances are deeply in-debt due to his generosity to the OW.

    He actually has made ME the ‘reason’ why he had to leave because I was asking him to work on our marriage and delay any relationship with the children of the OW .

    He chose to depart. I think he really simply wanted a ‘reason’ to live on his own. The children of adultery simply ‘justified’ him doing so saying it was ME that did not want him to have a relationship with them

    Frankly , seeing how it has worked out , I think THEY would have been better off without having him in their lives , seeing he is a liar and such a deceiver .

    Our own daughters were left to deal with the situation he left me in . They have no real future hope in any kind of relationship with men since their father was such a good example of a ‘great man’! What husband material is out there for them? The father they trusted and has been so admired by everyone has brought about destruction of our trusting anyone .

    We also have had some past experience with those in ministry who turned out to be untrustworthy and very good deceivers. It is the time we live in for sure. It is one thing to trust the Lord but quite another to trust human beings who prove to be so skilled at deceit.

    At the length of this my husband has been ‘taking care’ of finances here for which we are thankful but I attribute this to my Lord who is causing us to be cared for. In the meantime my husband takes our daughters out once a week …usually ….just to keep his image up .

    Is this a form of narcissistic feed? Is there any way for my daughters to be able to deal with my husband’s methods …My bible speaks of forgiving yet to not have fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness.

    It is now over a year since my husband moved out and seems to be very fine with his new lifestyle. He seems to have no conscience about the way his departure and treatment of me effects our daughters.

    Though they are adults they seem frozen in the situation where they are feeling the necessity to ‘respect’ their father but see his life as one that has taken advantage of not just me but themselves due to our faith .

    Also I don’t like holding his secret but I told him I would not expose his sin to his own family but had trusted that the Lord would expose him to prove that the Lord would do so. Also he is the shining example to his extended birth family . He was the most successful and the best of the best in their estimation so if I reveal him to them it is more than likely I will be the ‘bad guy’ .

    I don’t want to lie to them so I have had no further relationship with them…and it had become non existent over the years as his adultery caused him to distance himself from any of them.

    I once wanted to be part of this family of his but as time went by they were more and more mocking of my faith and my husband took their part.

    Women in my position are often seen as the ‘reason’ the husband’ needed’ to cheat….simply because of faith that brought about raising our children in the faith.

    This is more and more in our culture where Christians and home schoolers are being attacked and set apart as those who are ‘mentally ill’.

    I suppose patience for the sake of my husband’s salvation possibilities is called for . The Lord will not fail to do all His will …sooner or later.

    1. Zaza,

      As usual, it is good hearing from you although it often comes with heaviness. I hate affairs along with the hurt they bring to families and communities. When others take advantage of your moral convictions and trust through exploitation, it is tragic in both the short-term and long-term. Short term in view of those being hurt, long-term in considering how Father is going to handle the exploiters. Those who take advantage of His children will have some problems. Father is not blind to what has happened, what has been said and done to you and your children.

      Exploiters do not look at the world the same way other people do. Straining yourself in an effort to make sense out of how they think is dangerous. If you ever get to the point where their thinking makes sense, you would have to sink very deep in immoral thinking. I recall a physician I worked with describing how with some people, you have to take your head off and turn things totally around then reconnect your head to begin understanding them. It sounds like your husband is one of those types. He lives in a twisted world, where good is bad and bad is good. How else could he come to see a woman of conviction and commitment, along with their children as ‘bad’ then turn around and sleep with some floozie that allows herself to be impregnated. He had something solid and sold it for the temporary fun of another woman.

      The twisting of morals often happens. You mention ‘narcissistic feed’. The narcissist often twists their morals and values in some weird ways. It is not by accident that early writers considered narcissism an unhealthy ‘perversion’. Although the mores of society have been changed, the dynamics of unhealthy thinking and its accompanying behaviors have not.

      Many areas of modern society do attack Christians and homeschoolers. Those who take stands are often viewed with negative connotations, since society does not like being questioned. Since Christians have moral foundations, there are many who want morals based more on popular behaviors rather than Divine instruction. Having morals based on popular behaviors is nothing new. They mindset of ‘everyone is doing it’ is not a 20th or even 21st century idea. It goes way back. You are just feeling the most recent episode of this attack.

      Cheaters often do not consider how their actions create rifts in the extended family. Their actions have a ripple effect that goes across generations.

  2. Thanks for your supportive remarks. One thing that I wanted to clarify was that according to an email of the OW and a letter I found that my husband had been writing to answer her questions …the rough draft saved….and buried in his stuff ….Both of their own words tell the truth of these people having planned to have the children and that it was the OW who urged my husband to ‘give her children’ and that she was intending to be a ‘single mom by choice’ having done “research ‘ to learn how it was a viable ‘option’ and that she always knew that he would not ever leave me nor marry her.

    So this was an idea put forward by the OW but my husband later approved of the choice and also expressed his affection for her parents ..especially her father who was so ‘understanding ‘ and ‘accepting’ of them! Even knowing he was married with three small children all the while!

    I believe Roman’s one tells of how those who choose to not ‘retain God in their knowledge” become ”reprobate’ and it certainly seems that the conscience of both have been seared by a long practice of sneaking, lying, stealing and living in this seamy way …if he had not had money nor position she would never have looked twice at him …despite his good looks….That is what the ‘love of money’ will do in the life of those who don’t care for boundaries …..

    So I still don’t know if he has told any of his Ow about the fact that he gave ME an std….and it was most likely from her or some of the others he had even while with her.

    These indeed will stand tall before the Lord …especially since my husband once knew plenty of Bible.

    1. Zaza,

      The letters definitely put your husband’s affair into an unsettling light. When the OW intentionally gets impregnated (with the attitude of “give her children”, it is a special kind of evil. When human life is conceived under the attitude of intentionally ‘breeding’ in connection with an affair, it triggers a major discomfort for me. I value life, whether wanted or unwanted, yet in this case…children are not only used as pawns, they become living love tokens/trophies for the sole purpose of some twisted social experiment. I do not know if that is what the OW had in mind, but that is how it comes across to me. It triggers a special level of disgust. I am sure that with you being in the middle of it, it is especially disgusting and troubling.

  3. I agree….if you read anything from the indoctrination of the feminist hard core movement …it sounds very much like this is part of their intention to destroy men…..MEN!

    My husband had his own stupid aspect…but this was a calculation on the part of the OW to gain income for at least up until the kids grow old enough to legally allow us to not pay child support…Since my husband had already developed a relationship with the children by the time I found out about this …it was this ‘bond’ with them that brought about HIS decision to leave our home…He does not love or even like the OW …Her additional manipulation involved those kids calling my husband after he informed her he was no longer going to continue with her in a relationship. The kids would call …having been left alone while their mother went back to college for an additional degree ALL on the governments dime…as she is a ‘single mom’ !

    The kids were left without food …an intentional ploy to gain my husband’s emotions and getting him back into a loop of activity with them.

    It put a great deal of pressure on me as a Christian, a mom , not wanting those children to suffer loss but it did cost me my husband’s affection.

    Though I encouraged him to see to their needs…I had wanted him to keep his distance…which was not going to happen since he already was IN their lives. I lost. He has no interest in me whatsoever.

    He comes to see our daughters once a week…he has shut me out of all information. I am on a ‘short leash’ allowance for just enough to buy groceries per week and he pays our bills so we can stay in our home.

    My daughters live with me.

    I don’t know what else could be done. I did try to offer relationship with the kids …they did not want that …and their mother blew a gasket the one time my husband had taken me along to take some medicine to them.

    It seems the OW feels entitled to having everything in her life the way that suits her…and she read my husband well enough through seeing his love for our children to know that he would not abandon her children if she had some with him.

    She is no dummy. He is a lot more stupid than he ought to be but then sin makes people stupid…blind and dead.

    I trust the Lord to bring about all things for His name sake. it is hard in the mean time as my life is not full of plans and hopes…and for our daughters ….trust in any man is going to be challenging …believer or not since their father was such a good deceiver ….

    I wonder how those kids will turn out since the girl told my husband she HATES Christians….that was a few years ago …sweet little girl….I cannot imagine short of a true miracle that either one will become believers …but then GOD is full of surprises…until then I am still praying for them…but it is a struggle at times…

    I think my husband thought since I was trustworthy and loyal to a fault and a believer that any pain caused by the discovery would not amount to much! So much for understanding how GOD hates this sin so much that in the OT they used to put those caught in it to death.

    Living a lifestyle of sin actually IS a death sentence…it just does not appear in real time …unless their is repentance …change of mind and effort …his life is not going in a good direction.

  4. Omg. Thank you for this.
    When I questioned my H about the flirtatious chats with his college sweetheart I got yelled at for three hours about how I don’t know what love is.
    I still wonder if I am really the ice maiden he accused me of being. It’s been two years.

    1. Recovered,

      Thank you for sharing what happened to you. On reading your comment, my first reaction was shock that he didn’t see the irony in what he did along with being stunned at his brazenness.

      When you marry, the traditional marriage vow states “forsaking all others”. Apparently, he forgot that he promised to do that. Even the non-traditional vows have a line about “loving you above all others”. Putting flirtatious talk with an old flame ahead of one’s wife is ‘bad news‘. Then to chew you out for it is even worse.

      If he is still engaging in flirtatious chat with her, the flame is burning hot and his priorities need some re-aligning.

      There may have been some good reasons, he viewed you as the ‘ice maiden’, yet those reasons don’t lie with you. It could be that he was not ready to marry OR does not know how to really love. He may know how to flirt, but that’s NOT love.

      I know that I am not aware of all the facts. The facts you shared with me hit me like a flashing yellow warning light.

      Best Regards,

      Jeff

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