Since affairs and divorce go together, (which I feel they shouldn’t, but many couples think otherwise) questions about divorce need to be considered by cheaters and their spouses.
If you risk cheating, you at-risk for a divorce. Whether or not the divorce actually goes through, when you file the paperwork, you think you are starting a process, when in reality, you are unleashing forces that are outside of your control.
First off, the moment you file, you loose control. Although your lawyer may tell you that you are in control of things, at that moment, the control shifts over to the lawyers and judges.
This means questions about your finances, children, sex life and personal matters are now fair game. Those areas and more will be vulnerable to exposure. You can’t file and expect that your secrets and dirty laundry won’t be exposed.
If you’re a ‘private’ person or have control issues, you don’t want to consider the divorce option. It puts the control of things in the hands of others rather than yourself, or between you and your spouse.
Now everything is decided by people who are not going to have to live with any of the decisions they make.
Secondly, once the papers for divorce are filed, the emotional intensity increases. Some people can not handle the emotional pressure and the hostility it feeds.
Don’t be surprised when your easy going, mild-mannered spouse turns hostile. Filing for divorce has a way of bringing out the worst in people, even to pathological levels.
So, yes, divorce can drive people to pathological levels of hostility, hatred, anger and revenge. The more adversarial the divorce, the higher the hostility.
You may want to blame them, but consider who ‘unleashed’ the monster in your midst.
Oftentimes, the hostility remains years after the lawyers have been paid and have gone their way. They do not have to pick of the pieces or repair the damage from legal matters.
This means that when the affair is exposed, you and your spouse need to deal with matters as soon as you can, before anyone contacts lawyers or people put the divorce idea into their head or yours.
Consider investing in the “Affair Recovery Workshop’ where the two of you can work on the issues together. Whatever happens you are going to need improved communication and clarity.
With the workshop, the two of you take control, rather than turning it over to strangers in the legal system.
Best Regards,
Jeff
