A reader wanted to know “How to cope with an unloving husband”. This situation is
becoming more common than I’d like. These situations make your marriage at risk for an affair. It does not automatically mean that there will be an affair. When the husband turns unloving, it increases the risk of something happening.
In terms of ‘coping’ with such a situation, much depends on how it happened. Things like whether or not it was sudden or gradual, what their age is, how long the two of you have been married, what their health condition is and whether or not they were involved with pornography.
Each of these things can contribute to a husband becoming unloving. Add to this the possibility that you may also be contributing some items to the mix. I mention this since relationships are dynamic in terms of one spouse feeding off and contributing the other.
With health conditions, you will want to consult someone in the healthcare field. There could be issues concerning diet, blood levels, testosterone levels or other health conditions. Surprisingly, you may see some improvement with dietary changes. Changing diet has been found helpful with testosterone and sex drive.
You may also want to consider issues like how much time they spend in front of computer screens, whether or not they are sedentary at work, and possible chemical exposures. These could also impact their being unloving.
One risk that runs across all populations is the increased fearfulness in news reporting. With greater frequency, I am hearing that men are having to restrict how much news they read due to the high levels of fear-driven stories they contain. Although the fear driven stories sell news, they take an emotional toll on their readers as well.
All the stress of job, world events, the economy and living conditions add up. They are also cumulative. The stress of last month or last year is often added to this year’s stress in terms of wear and tear on the body and health.
Heavy doses of pornography also have a way of deadening a husbands willingness to love. The images used in pornography distort and warp the idea of love and being loving. They also create unrealistic portrayals of women and of men. Besides the unrealistic images, it also creates greater inward focus. If you have been consuming pornography, it can also create unrealistic expectations on your part as well.
With the fearfulness of news, pornography, or long exposure to computer screens the best way to start coping is reducing their exposure. It will take longer to get those items out of their head and heart, but cutting down on the stimuli is a place to start.
When the brain is exposed to either too many of those items or over too long a period of time, it takes a while for the brain to shut down and recalibrate to ‘normal’ functioning levels. It also takes time for their energy fields to heal. (Yes, the heart produces an energy field, which is often effected by prolonged exposure to electronic devices).
When the change in unloving comes from a physical accident or disease, you may have to consider some changes in routine. These often take longer to overcome. Even once the condition or damage is healed, there are still the mental scars that have to be overcome.
There is also the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse. When alcohol and drug consumption levels are too high, or they’ve been going for too long, there are consequences. One of those consequences is being unloving. If there is a drug or alcohol problem, they’ll need to be addressed before you start seeing major changes in their level of being loving.
So, the bottom line is… how you cope with it depends on what’s contributing to the condition.
That’s why I created the video “Dealing with Affair Trauma“. In it, I show you ways of moving past being struck. If you husband has the issues I mentioned in the previous paragraph, he can benefit from this video. Whether or not his trauma symptoms were caused by an affair, he needs help getting ‘unstuck’. This video takes you through getting him unstuck.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
As I read through these ’causes’ for why a husband would depart from loving his wife or to act in an unloving way I can agree that these do contribute many times to this kind of treatment.
However I have come to believe after a time of self examination that a husband who is commanded to love his wife as Christ loves the Church and gave HIMSELF for her…and is not willing to learn how GOd will equip him to obey this will become more and more self oriented.
Wives indeed must learn what GOD addresses to them as well and to learn how GOD will equip them to obey those things which will fulfill the purposes of GOD in life and in marriage.
I have noted that many times women who love the Lord are willing to learn and are often times ready to assign to themselves many of those things which God ordained the man to become in marriage .
In the long run it has become my view that if anyone doesn’t care about what God has provided for our good from His Word to learn and apply then they are not going to be sensitive to their own part in any of the troubles that come along in life …especially in marriage.
Recently The Berean Calls newletter included an article which discussed the biggest enemy that man has is ‘SELF” … The Bible tells us that the “carnal mind is enmity against GOD ‘ …We are given the Word to renew our minds after we become Christians that we might grow …not just in knowledge of what the Bible says but in how the Holy Spirit will work these truths into our lives.
In every jurisdiction of life we are given opportunities to sow the truth and operate within it FOR OUR GOOD…and God’s Glory.
When marriage has become a mockery , the idea of giving up self for the sake of the other which would bring much satisfaction and peace within the relationship has been set aside to serve SELF.
The materials you spoke of that encourage fear and discontent are going to impact those who are convinced that marriage is only a “piece of paper’ and a means to an end for self.
This is a sad reality in many relationships. It echos the wrong understanding of our relationship with Jesus Christ being only one dimensional which is to ‘get out of hell free’ .
We were created to exist for eternity …through Jesus Christ we have the opportunity to live that eternity with HIM rather than the ‘alternative’ which few wish to address overtly today.
Still , within marriage , so much is being missed out on because of wrong teaching, or lack of knowledge of the Word of GOD concerning all things in this life…..OR with the careless attitude of how one’s behaviors and choices effect others.
Sin is not punished persay in this portion of time …but consequences are within it’s ‘seed’ that man might suffer the consequences and turn from them and turn TO the Savior who will receive all who seek Him into the family of GOD .
ALL who obey His Word and seek Him …and receive His Word with meekness , believing He is the Savior from sin and that He rose from the dead , are given that life which is IN HIM . To be ‘born from above’ by faith in Him and OF Him who is Lord of all .
Otherwise there is a terrible cost to living by flesh, filling up all lusts and using others to try to fill the void which Christ alone is capable of doing.
His life is LIVING waters…overflowing in all that we need to know and how to apply in order to have abounding satisfaction even through the times where our spouses will try our patience.
What gain is there in a life focused upon all of the inward desires and looking outward for them to be satisfied? How many sinful and shallow experiences do we need to have to get sick and tired of the loneliness they eventually reveal in us and around us?
Jesus gave us the KEY to how to stop the madness and learn the way to true fulfillment and satisfaction in life and in marriage…IF we “dare’ to believe Him! !
Mat 16:24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
We are not being asked to DIE but to LIVE and to live unto HIM in all things and we will find our satisfaction in Him grow and grow to the blessing of all …and the Glory of GOD.
Zaza,
It is good hearing from you. What is going on spiritually does indeed come out in the close relationship of marriage.
Your insights and comments on dealing with an unloving husband are correct. There is often a time of self-examination during the coping. That time of self-examination often leads to insights, yet can also lead some people to a state of ‘analysis paralysis’. In those cases, they are so caught up in the self-examination, they become stuck or paralyzed in either an emotional or relational sense.
I often present one or two steps at a time. When people are hurting, I find that many want to know what the next step is. Giving more than that is often overwhelming to them, so I have not gone into the more lengthy responses. One of the first clients I had taught me this.
I have also learned that although relationships share commonalities, the specifics of what someone may need to cope at that moment often varies. In some cases, it only requires answering a question, or a kind word. I appreciate you sharing what you have learned. It takes time, thought and planning to put together material like that. It shows that you have examined and addressed many aspects of your situation.