Traumatic brain injury, sexual addiction and affairs

 

The subjects of traumatic brain injury (TBI), sexual addiction and affairs are not often mentioned together. When you’re dealing with a situation where you encounter all three in one person, you’ve got a significant problem. any of them by themselves are bad enough, yet combined they are overwhelming.

When they are mentioned together, they pose some powerful problems for those of you who are working at overcoming an affair.

In a previous post, I addressed some of the challenges associated with the sexually addicted brain. The sexually addicted brain does not behave like non-addicted brains.  They are affected by trauma and often act out sexually addictive behaviors. In these cases, the sexual behavior is more about coping than it is in seeking sexual enjoyment.

It’s not always easy to tease out what is a symptom of trauma in the brain vs. what is due to sexual addiction, but I’ll do my best in this post to help you get some perspective on those issues.

Fortunately the advancement of brain scans has provided new understanding of sexual addiction. With the brain scans, researchers can see the parts of the brain activated by types of stimulation

The parts of the brain that ‘light up’ in the sexually addicted is different than the non-addicted brain. This means that they process information, stimuli and situations differently.

The look at the world differently and react differently. This means you have to let go of expecting their brains to think like other people’s.

They not only process information differently, the parts of the brain that “light up” when they are aroused is different from the non-sexually addicted brain. These differences are one reason why when you are dealing with a sexually addicted, you may find yourself asking “Where did that come from?”. You are not imaging when you think that they do not think like you do.

The differences are not just imagined.

There are real differences in how their brains are wired and how they work.  This is why there are no “one-size fits all” answers in dealing with affairs when it comes to considering the role of the brain.

It has been said that the sexually addicted brain is like a drug addict. Toa large degree, this is be true in terms of the wiring and the effects on the brain.  The brains of sexual addicts are different from those who become addicted to drugs or alcohol and other addictions in terms of their drugs of choice.

When someone with sexually addicted brain functioning experiences a traumatic brain injury or brain disorder, things can get very weird, very fast. Brain disorders and traumatic brain injuries disrupt the functioning of the brain. When the brain was already functioning weird well before the injury or disorder, it can be a “whole new world” for that person and their family.

Traumatic brain injuries can make your dealing with a cheater who has a sexually addicted brain even more complicated. The changed wiring is even more scrambled when there is a traumatic brain injury.

A brain injury in a person who is sexually addicted disrupts the sexual behavior even further.  It’s not just that it affects the way they think and process information, but it changes their sexual response as well.

So you’ve got a multi-layered problem – an injured brain, an addiction and perhaps other disorders.

I remember talking with one spouse who struggled with the dramatic sexual changes that a traumatic brain injury brought into her marriage. She tearfully described her frustration, sense of being lost and desperation for answers. She was not a ‘bad’ person, and neither was her spouse, even though the dramatic changes often left her feeling that way. The dramatic change was so extreme, there were few who really understood or were willing to hear her out.

She was surprised at how drastic the changes were. When such radical changes happen, the assumption is made that they are a ‘bad’ person in terms of wickedness. That was not the case.

The trauma triggered some major changes in her spouse’s sexual behaviors and arousal patterns. Not only were there major changes, there were few professionals who understood what was going on and ways of dealing with it.

She was relieved in talking to me about how she is not alone in her situation. She found her world going upside down and she literally had done ‘nothing wrong’. There is the nagging idea that she was being punished for something she had done.

The sudden changes not only impacted her spouse, it changed her life as well. The traumatic brain injury took away the husband she previously had. Her old husband was taken away and another weird one was left in his place without any manuals on how to deal with him.

When those kind of situations happen, it may leave you feeling confused and lost regarding the cheater’s affairs. They literally are not the man or woman they used to be. The way their brain is operating does not fit any of the situations in the self-help books or situations described by the marriage gurus. These are challenging situations. They are the exceptions to the rules. They are not beyond help, just needing help in different ways.

Much depends on what part of the brain was impacted by the injury or disorder. If their ability to delay gratification, or decision making or ability to predict consequences were effected, the person may engage in inappropriate behavior and not realize it or be aware of the consequences of their actions.

They may feel an urge and act on it without thinking. They may not be able to control their urges or even know whether what they are doing is right or wrong. I know that most cheaters are not in this category. I am also aware that there are some situations where such extremes do happen.

When you are dealing with traumatic brain injury of a cheater with a sexually addicted brain, it will take you to your limits. You will have to consider how much you are willing to put up with, and how serious you take your marriage vows. Are you really willing to love them “in sickness” such as this one? It will take you way out of your comfort zone. the typical “Affair Recovery Self-Help Books” answers are not going to help you much in these kind of extreme situations.

It will require a solid foundation of understanding addiction, and more specifically sexual addictions. You will also need to work with the cheater as a team against the common enemy of the “sexual addiction”. I also know that in order to get to that point, it will take a lot of honest communication, risk-taking and commitment.

If you need more help or have questions, feel free to contact me Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com . 

I am available for consultations and online therapy.

Best Regards,

Jeff

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9 Responses

  1. Hi my name is Melissa my partner has had a brain injury for almost 5 years and I believe we struggle with this he never would have cheated on me before the brain injury I don’t know what to do or how to help I want to save our relationship but I don’t know how much more pain I can take please help me.

    1. Melissa,

      Thank you for sharing. Brain injuries change the person and their behavior. Some of these changes are MAJOR and depending on the areas of injury, the sex drive can be impacted. Being able to discuss it in terms of the loss of control and coming up with strategies in dealing in dealing with it is a good place to start.

      Having a plan won’t fix everything, but having the dialogue and a plan is a good first step.

      Best Regards,

      Jeff

  2. I see this article was posted back in 2015. You are the only site in the hundreds I have read, that has ever put this together. Do you have more information that I can read about TBI and sex addiction and affairs? I recently found out that my husband has a sex addiction and did some pretty hurtful things for a few years after his dirt bike accident that threw him in the air (without a helmet) and was DOA at the scene, but revived (twice). We were told back in 1987 he had a concussion. But the things he is now revealing to me, it’s as if he had a split personality / double life I never knew about. All sexual. Hyper sexual, obsessive fantasies, constant masturbation, dominating emotionless affair, egocentric, no conscience, guilt, shame – all of this he felt he was on the outside looking in, but couldn’t process it to be wrong to stop it. To this day he claims he didn’t consider his actions out of the norm. Now that he’s having to face his past and current sex addiction, he is filled with self loathing. It is polar opposite of his core characteristics. I’m still in shock and trying to grasp it all. Any information would be helpful. Thank you.

    1. Connie,

      Thank you for writing. I’m glad that you found me and the information. I wrote several posts on the connection between brain injury and sexual addiction. You can search the archives with terms such as “brain” or “brain injury” and they should pull up.

      Sex addicts especially those with TBI can definitely do some hurtful things. TBI’s can literally rewire a person’s brain, which may explain what you referred to as ” it’s as if he had a split personality / double life I never knew about. All sexual.”

      Not all TBI’s do that, yet depending on the part of the brain involved, this happens. The changes can be so strong that they change sexual orientation. Depending on the amount of jostling around that happened with their brain, they may not view what they did as ‘wrong’ or feel they can stop it. Part of this is due to damage that happens to the frontal lobe and areas related to self-control.

      I addressed the topic because ..it happens more often than people realize. I have studies neuropsychology and brain function. I started seeing the connection between sexual addiction (with the affairs) and TBI. This is one area where the cheater is not fully in control. Unlike typical sexual addictions, this one is connected to the TBI.

      The challenge is that when the brain turns into an addicted brain, you have layers of problems with the TBI and addiction feeding off of each other. The typical approach is one focused on dealing with the addiction first, then addressing the TBI and their overlap.

      I’ve been surprised that others haven’t made the connections. I know some researchers are starting to understand traumatized brains and their operation. The traumatized brain does not work like other brains and they are just now mapping that out. It’s my hope that they will expand their study to include trauma related to brain injuries.

      Feel free to contact me with any further questions. (I also have a membership site at http://www.RestoredLifestyle.com, where I deal with readers questions and have affair recovery material. I haven’t had many requests for TBI-affair connection material, but I’ll be on the lookout.)

      Best Regards,

      Jeff

  3. Thank you Jeff for responding.There seems to be new layer that is happening now that he is under the stress of having to disclose information and face his actions.

    I understand that lying and manipulation go hand in hand with addiction. Now that I know to look for it, I see it. The unsettling thing is that some of his lies are not to his advantage.

    He lies to me that he did some terrible sexual things that he didn’t do. Why would he want to do that to himself and hurt me?

    They are terrible”self defamation” lies?? Is it possible his TBI is causing compulsive or pathological lying now that he isn’t sexually acting out for the first time in 40 years of his life. Is it possible that the lying is triggering a high of it’s own to replace the sexual high?

    I feel like I’m losing my mind and my husband. It makes no sense when he desperately wants to be good and do everything he can to keep us together, that he would lie that he did bad things he didn’t do.

    Have you seen this before?
    Connie

    1. Connie,

      Thank you for writing. I’m glad that you are starting to see things in terms of his behavior. With TBI, things get rewired. Many things are possible that would otherwise be unusual.

      Some people have suddenly picked up mastery of a foreign language with a TBI.Much depends on the nature and location of the injury along with how his brain compensated for it.

      You asked “Is it possible his TBI is causing compulsive or pathological lying now?” ..It’s possible. It’s also possible that the line between fantasy and reality have blurred. You may want to check that out. There’s also the possibility that he saw some of these things in porn material and has incorporated it into his thinking.

      The mind can manufacture some weird things. When the ‘reality testing’ part is damaged, there is little holding such thoughts in check. Their ability to sort nonsensical from plausible blurs in such cases. There is debate on whether reality testing is a circuit or tied into the frontal lobe (I am in the frontal lobe camp).

      You asked another question, “Is it possible that the lying is triggering a high of it’s own to replace the sexual high?” That is possible. The high from lying can be similar to other highs. The brain just wants a high and often doesn’t get picky how it happens. Lies are bad, yet they can be handled easier than sexual impulsivity.

      “Have I seen this before?”. The answer is “No”. With many TBI cases, much depends on how much damage and where it happens. Even then, each case is very different.

      Best Regards,

      Jeff

  4. Thank you. Searching for help and validation.
    My husband of 21 years has MS— with lesions in the brain causing TBI-like symptoms. He is hyper sexual sometimes. He rages. He uses porn. He has emotional affairs. He accuses me of manipulation and abuse (because I tell him that his actions hurt me).
    He hasn’t worked for 10 years due to cognitive issues.
    He’s getting worse- more difficult emotionally.
    It’s so hard.
    Trying to figure out the RIGHT thing to do regarding our marriage.
    This article is the only one I can find that validates things.

    1. Julie,

      Thank you for writing. The link between them is very real. Not everyone with TBI develops those symptoms, yet when the TBI effects the parts of the brain associated with sexual behavior, it happens.

      I have worked with some other couples who’ve gone through struggles similar to yours. Some of the general things you can consider are 1) getting a second medical opinion on what you’re dealing with 2) find out what parts of the brain are intact and what parts are injured so that you can have a map of what is there. You need to know what parts are functioning and what parts are not functioning correctly. 3) Support groups can be very helpful when they are good ones. If your husband attends one and finds more creative sexual outlets, you’ll want to reconsider it. You would also benefit from a support group as you face difficult choices.

      This will get you started.

      I’m glad that you found me.

      Best Regards,

      Jeff

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