A reader wrote and asked, “Are there different types of affairs? Also, are there different reasons for these affairs?”
The simple answer is yes, there are different types of affairs. And much like there are different affairs, there are different reasons for them, too. Affairs are one type of relationship that some people have. But since we are all created unique, there are many unique qualities to our relationships, including those that are affairs. Each relationship you are in has your own unique imprint on it.
There are exit affairs, where the affair is used as a way to leave the marriage. There are one-night stands, and there are long-term affairs (15 months or longer). Some affairs involve getting intoxicated and seduced, others are blackmail related, some are used for political reasons, some are about recreation, and some are secondary to other addictions. There are numerous ways to start an affair relationship.
So if there are many types of affairs, what do all affairs share in common?
Although there are many unique configurations to affairs, there are some common factors and patterns as well. The affairs may have their own unique starts and dynamics, but when it comes to dealing with betrayal and overcoming the affair, all affairs share some commonalities.
When it comes to dealing with the affair, there are some differences of opinion. One of my fellow counselors stresses the importance of knowing which type of affair it is prior to intervention.
He approaches the situation with different interventions depending on which type of affair someone has had. I agree that it is helpful knowing what kind of affair you are dealing with before taking action, yet ultimately I view this approach as inefficient.
In my mind, it is more important to take action quickly and start interventions aimed at beginning the healing process and doing emotional damage control. Once the affair has been stopped and healing has started, you can then start dealing with the different types of affairs and their specific needs.
Trying to make sense of all the affair dynamics before the healing begins is akin to discussing all the finer points of a procedure with a surgeon while you are hemorrhaging on the table, and wanting to understand each cut and reason for it before the surgery begins.
My approach is to start taking action to stop the bleeding, then figure out the dynamics of what happened when the two of you are working as a team to tackle the issue together.
There are also different reasons for affairs. In looking at the reasons, I find a particular saying to be helpful: “The problem is not the problem; the problem is the solution.” An affair is a cheater’s solution to a problem. It is not a good solution, by any means, but it is a solution nonetheless.
When you realize that the cheater used the affair as their solution to some problem, you are able to see things differently. But I’d like to stress that the couple should address these issues AFTER they have improved their communication and intimacy.
You will need to have communication and intimacy when looking at the “problems” together. I go into greater detail about this, affair dynamics, along with ways of improving trust, intimacy and communication, in my Affair Recovery Workshop.
The two of you need to be working as a team when discovering “the problem” behind the affair. Trying to make sense of all the reasons before doing vital relationship work often leads to more conflict and problems, instead of facilitating cooperation and drawing the two of you closer together.
A common mistake many betrayed spouses make is trying to “understand” all the dynamics and reasons for the affair before stopping the pain and unhealthy communication in their marriage.
Emotional and relational hurts need emotional and relational answers. Trying to fix an emotional or relational hurt with an intellectual solution is not the best approach. Emotional or relational hurts call for emotional or relational solutions. Using an intellectual solution to fix an emotional problem is asking for incomplete healing.
Using your head to fix your heart is an example of fixing the wrong problem. Understanding what type of affair, the motives for the affair, and what drove the cheater do it, may make your mind feel more at ease, but it has done nothing to deal with the hurts of your marriage relationship.
Going into the deep water of trying to understand all the kinds of relationships and motives for them before you have taken care of yourself or the simple things often invites problems. Your parent probably did not want you in the deep end of the pool until you learned to swim. Likewise you need to work on your relationship before jumping into all kinds of questions about relationship dynamics.
Making your head feel good, while your heart is hurting amounts to the counterpoint of the cheater making their body feel good while ignoring their conscience.
There are many types of affairs and reasons for them. How you approach the affair and heal afterwards are more important questions to consider.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
How can a spouse work on the marriage of the cheater will not even admit to the affair. Instead attacks the spouse by saying they are paranoid, sick and destroying the marriage.
Sally,
Thank you for writing. Being attacked by the cheater with accusations of being paranoid, sick and destroying the marriage is definitely discouraging. Such accusations drain your motivations of saving the marriage. Under such circumstances, you will need to remember that they are likely putting stuff on you that they themselves are struggling with. In at least 10% of marriages, this happens.
I am glad that you ask “How can a spouse work on the marriage?” under such circumstances. You realize it can be worked on. That is often the first hurdle, …coming to the realization that the affair does not mean the end of your marriage. Your question lets me know that you have cleared that hurdle. The next hurdle is ‘how’.
The ways you can work on your marriage are 1) improve communication. You may already have some communication, yet more is needed either in terms of what the two of you talk about, how the two of you communicate or how vulnerable the two of you can be with each other. With your husband attacking and not admitting to the affair, it tells me that at some level, communication is not working. The use of verbal attacks instead of cooperation tells me that he does not feel safe. It tells me that the two of you are unable to discuss your fears with each other without strong reactions.
2) You can start taking steps to improve your self care. With him making such attacks, he is not giving you encouragement and support, which we all need. You will need to be able to discuss matters without internalizing the negative things he says to you. When you have taken steps to take care of yourself, you will better be able to handle the negativity.
3) Improve the ability of the two of you to solve problems together and work together. You will have to start with some non-affair problems and then later move in the direction of affair related issues. You can start with some of the problems around the house. Once the two of you have some successes, you can move onto other areas. Since we as humans are creatures of habit, we often approach problem solving with similar patterns. If you have taken steps at improving how the two of you solve problems, you can use those lessons to help you with the affair issues.
4) His accusations of you being “paranoid and sick” make me wonder what is happening with him. It leaves me wondering if he is struggling with some health or mental health issues himself. You may want to consider having him get a physical or be checked out by a physician, making it a point to have lab tests run on his blood levels. There may be some chemical imbalances going on that he is not aware of that are contributing to what is going on. You promised to love him in sickness and in health. He may be letting you know that there are some health issues going on that he is unable or unwilling to talk about. In other words, have his health checked out.
5) Pray for him. Pray for direction in dealing with him. This could either give you peace of mind in dealing with him or gain clearer direction in what is going on. It will also change your own attitude. The changes that happen through prayer often prepare the way for future changes.
This will give you some places to start working on your marriage even when they do not admit to the affair. There are some other steps for the next hurdle dealing with communication, but the basics have to be in place before taking on the advanced things.
Best Regards,
Jeff