When you discover an affair, there are many intense reactions and emotions. You may feel hurt, vulnerable, and betrayed. Since these are unpleasant emotions, they are often covered up with reactions like anger, rage and power plays. One of the common power plays is demanding a ‘divorce’.
I talked about this with an Austin attorney specializing in family law this week. She shared that in her experience, the initial reaction often includes a demand for a divorce after discovering an affair. After things calm down, that demand is dropped and all the divorce talk is silenced.
My conversation with her triggered some discussion into the subject of whether or not your spouse is worth a second chance.
There are some of you who actually believe that when someone hurts you, especially when it is your spouse that they are no longer worthy of love. Not only are they considered unworthy, there is often a desire to punish them for hurting you.
The logic goes something like this…the relationship can be fixed, but only after I punish them to make them feel what I felt. Somehow by inflicting pain and punishing them it makes things better in their minds. Although punishment actually discourages anyone from wanting to get close to you, the sadistic thought is that punishment will bring intimacy and healing.
The problem is that when you start punishing your spouse, you take on the role of a ‘master’ rather that of a spouse.When you assume the role of master, or chief punisher, then the two of you are no longer equals. This imbalance of power is destructive to ‘real’ intimacy. Sure there can be some intensity associated with the emotions, but that is NOT intimacy. Confusing intimacy with intensity takes you on a wild roller coaster ride. Your marriage may then share more in common with high drama roller coasters than with two people loving each other.
When you inflict the pain of punishment, you also short-circuits emotional healing. Punishment often brings a cathartic release. That release often reduces the pain, but it does not bring the two of you into any kind of improved intimacy. By inflicting punishment, you interfere with the healing process. The catharsis becomes a cheap substitute for conviction. You force them to feel pain rather than allow the tensions related to their own internal morality, conviction and guilt drive them to asking for forgiveness.
When you have punishment, there is no place for forgiveness. The punishment, with its infliction of pain is substituted for the kind of conviction which drives a cheater to ask for forgiveness.
You may have to seriously consider whether you are going to give your spouse a second chance or whether you are going to punish them instead. Whether or not you give them a second chance is a tough decision. If you hope to have any kind of healing in your marriage after the affair, the second chance option is something you want to consider.
They may or may not deserve a second chance. It is not about whether they deserve it, it is about whether you are willing to give them that opportunity to change. Some spouses do not change their ways due largely to never being given the space to change. When they are not given any space to change, is it any wonder that you do not see any change?
You may want change, but not even know what needs to change. When you do not know what needs to be changed, you will never be sure that it is the change you need in your marriage to recover from an affair. If that is the case, the Affair Recovery Workshop will help you know what needs changing. Some of what needs changing is how the two of you interact with each other, how the two of you talk to each other, how to have real ‘heart to heart’ talks that connect the two of you, what to talk about, and ways of building intimacy on a solid foundation rather than intense experiences.
A second chance may be what your marriage needs. Make it count with a solid foundation.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
