Asking the right questions about affair recovery

There are times you may ask, “Can I recover from my spouse’s affair?”

When I am asked this question, I often wince, knowing that what many of you are asking is not what you are really wanting to know. This question is often asked with misleading intentions.

I know from the Affair Recovery Survey that more than half of you want to recover and can recover. There are other statistics supporting this pattern. An affair does not have to destroy your marriage. If you really want something that will make you think, a majority of cheaters reported that their marriages were ‘happy’. So not only can your survive an affair, an affair also does not mean that your marriage is unhappy.

Let those ideas sink in for a moment.

Now, let’s look at the question, “Can I recover from my spouse’s affair?”. The answer is a plain and simple…YES! The question that is often hidden within the question is “Do I WANT my marriage to recover from my spouse’s affair?

You may say that you want your marriage to recover, yet while saying that you want recovery, you either do nothing or sabotage any serious attempt at recovery. You may ask, “What are you talking about?”

When you talk without taking action, you are voting with your feet. Your mouth may say that you want recovery, yet when you do not back it up, it is all posturing.

Posturing is powerful. When you are a victim, it often gives you the power of sympathy from others. It also gives you emotional support. People often want to support the victim of actions like affairs. The public and perhaps your friends and church associates feel sorry for what happened and may likely believe whatever you tell them. If you tell them, “I want to work things out!”, they will often believe you without question.

Occasionally, there may be a pesky person who comes along and dares asking, “What are you doing about it?” When they ask you this, it may surprise you. You thought that your intentions were ‘good enough’. This upstart dares asking for ‘proof’ that you are actually doing something to recover from the affair.

My own experience, is that it takes commitment. When you decide that you really do want to recover from the affair, more than half the battle is over. The rest is often follow through on making the necessary changes and adjustments.

One of the things you can do is order the “Affair Recovery Workshop” which takes you through how to make those changes and where they are needed.  You may be one of those who instead of taking advantage of the workshop and instead decides to try hammering things out in therapy while having no clue as to what changes will really make a difference.

You know that you want things to be different and you want recovery, you just don’t know what exactly needs changing. You may be one of those who through trial and error find what you are looking for in therapy or ‘weekend experiences’.  My own take on them is that you get out of them what you put into them. If you go in unclear and uncertain, you will often feeling better, but still be unclear and uncertain about what you are needing to change.

I encourage you to consider the Affair Recovery Workshop, even before therapy. This way, you know what needs improvement, you will know what changes are needed, and you will be way ahead of other couples, since the two of you will have greater clarity on what needs to happen. When you have a clear plan, recovery goes much smoother.

Perhaps instead of “Can I recover from my spouse’s affair?” you need an answer to the question “Do you want your marriage to recover?” This question cuts more to the issue. The follow up question is “What are you NOW doing to make that recovery possible?”

Asking the right question often makes all the difference.

I am reminded of the story of a 19th century American millionaire. Although he never graduated from high school he observed that more people were moving out west to settle. He also observed that after an initial home made of wood. He dared asking himself the question, what will these people need next? By asking the right question, he realized that what they needed next was brick. So he established a brick business and became a millionaire, not based on coming from money or being smarter than the next guy, but instead, by asking the right question.

Are you asking yourself the right questions to recover from your spouse’s affair? Are you asking questions that will move you to action, or instead stay stuck with a lot of talk and high intentions? Perhaps it is time to change your questions and start recovering.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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2 Responses

  1. 4 months after D day- my husband is in individual counseling but refuses marriage counseling. He are separated and living apart. I am finding it hard to move forward from this area of limbo. I tried individual counseling but while in limbo don’t have very much to work on.

    1. Roxie,

      Thank you for writing. Being in that limbo state is never pleasant. The unpleasantness is often made worse by either having no control of little control over what is happening. You have the pain, plus the rejection, plus the powerlessness.

      It is a good sign that he is in individual counseling. That shows some movement on his part. Rushing back into each other’s arms before the issues are resolved can lead to bigger problems down the road. One of the hard things to do is allowing the pain to do its work, both in your life and his. It is more important for things to be done right, than to be rushed, especially when it comes to affair recovery.

      If you want things to work on, consider ways of improving your communication skills, making improvements to you, and to your home. You will want him to feel drawn back home and that home is a safe place. Consider what you can do to make it safe enough for him to open up with you at home and to feel that he is an important part of your life.

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