When it comes to infidelity, you can often find research that says what you want it to say. During the time I
have been working with infidelity, there are periodic attempts by ‘progressive’ researchers to redefine marriage, redefine family and redefine infidelity. I was reminded of this when I saw an article that came out on a Canadian site, labelled, “The truth about infidelity: Why the researchers think it is time to rethink cheating”
When I see articles on ‘rethinking cheating’, it sends off red flags. They are not talking about rethinking about penalties or consequences of cheating. They are talking about making cheating not so bad. They want to make cheating more ‘acceptable’ in polite society. They want to justify infidelity.
My own bias is that cheating hurts marriages and families. It is not justifiable. It is not justified for business reasons, for the good of your country, for the military, for political office, for promotions, for fun or for any other reason. When the bonding of a relationship has been damaged, it can not be justified.
Even though cheating hurts marriages, I also believe you can move past it. It does not have to mean the end of your marriage or the destruction of your family. You and your spouse can be restored. This is the approach I take in the Affair Recovery Workshop and the Trust Formula.
You can often tell the propaganda articles when they make reference to “a community of researchers” now wanting to redefine infidelity without identifying more than one or two of them. Like the mighty OZ hiding behind the curtain, these articles make it sound like you are “out of the mainstream” by finding infidelity unacceptable.
Articles like the one mentioned above, present their position as ‘truth’ and leave you feeling that your traditional views of marriage and expectations of marital fidelity are ‘old fashioned’. It also implies that your position is not ‘truthful’. I have news for them. Those old fashioned ideas on marriage have been the foundation of society and culture for thousands of years along with being ‘truthful’. That truth has not changed. What has changed are the morals in many societies.
These kinds of articles come up with regularity trying to wear away traditional marriage, like the waves wear down the coastline. They often have articles that show up on Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan, etc., and show up on Oprah proclaiming their new way of looking at things. They are often attractive and “trendy”. I encourage you to “wake up!”. When you have a slick looking presentation, chances are you are being sold something.
I understand the importance of selling their product and world view, you just need to be careful about what you are buying. The old saying “Let the buyer beware!” has never been more true. Remember that if you are selling polyamory as an acceptable alternative, you will first have to tear down traditional marriage and values. When they talk about “new relationship possibilities” it is nothing more than ‘new sexual perversions’ packaged to make it sound nicer.
When a writer likens monogamy to alcoholism, it should tell you something. With alcoholism being a disease, this writer it telling you that a monogamous marriage relationship is a sick disease. That should tell you something about that writers values. When the traditional is termed as diseased, consider what they are selling.
Common sense ought to tell you that when someone is talking about ‘new relationship possibilities’ outside of marriage, that they are leading down a primrose path. “New relationship possibilities” outside of marriage? Really? What kind of healthy new relationship possibilities can exist outside of marriage?
You may want to find out where those ‘experts’ were trained and what they have written. That can tell you a lot about their world view and what is important to them. When they have focused their attention on studying animals, what kind of values do you think they are going to promote? Animals! Animal morals and behavior are not the same as human behavior. When you mix and match them, you will get confusion and more problems, NOT more solutions.
There have always been researchers on the fringe of human relationship research trying to change behavior. I am reminded of the atheist Gregory Bateson and his wife Margaret Mead who changed the thinking of many with their observations and ideas, including Benjamin Spock, yet their own marriage are relationships were …less than ideal and less than traditional.
There have always been some therapists who try justifying their own immorality. The values of the therapist will always come through in what they write and promote. Consider whether those are the same values that you and your spouse have. If they are not, you will want to reconsider what they are saying to see if it works for you.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
