How many kinds of affairs are there?

Have you ever considered the question of how many kinds of affairs there are? Since other counselors emphasize knowing what kind of an affair you are dealing with, I decided to do some research on how many different kinds there are.

First, I considered the Big Names in the area of counseling and relationships.

The Zur Institute lists 12 types of affairs in their literature, and tend to downplay the importance of monogamy. The writer on this topic for Psychology Today has identified six types of affairs. Your Tango, a popular relationship information site, identifies four types of affairs. Ironically, they use a different contributor to Psychology Today as their expert, along with taking the viewpoint that an affair may be very good for your marriage.

Then I considered the church-oriented counseling community. Two of the leading affair recovery sites both identified six different types of affairs, yet they differed on what they called each of the affairs in their lists.

After that, I looked into the media sources. Fox News identified four types of affairs based on an expert from Your Tango, while Netscape lists five kinds of affairs.

Finally, even among the independent counselors there was wide variety in numbers reported, from 11 to 17. Each of them have catchy names and are explained in ways that make sense. The authoritative sounding Infidelity Recovery Institute identifies seven types of affairs.

With all the different names and numbers, it is no wonder that many of you who are hurting are confused. You want answers about what you are dealing with, yet there is such a wide variety of answers from each of these experts who do not even agree among themselves. Is it 4, 5, 6, 7, or 17? Could it be somewhere in between? Could your affair be some kind of hybrid or mixture of them?

All of these are attempts at making a painful situation make sense to you. They also give you a place to start. The problem, as I see it, is that it can be confusing. I also know that when you are confused, you tend to not take action. A confused mind is unsure what to do. In the business community, they put it this way: “A confused mind always says NO.”

Many of the experts behind these lists emphasize the importance of knowing what you are dealing with. Some even have questionnaires that help you through the process. I agree that it is important to have clarity in your problem solving. Where I differ from them is when you need to concern yourself with such matters.

The approaches to recovering from an affair that emphasize lists often want you to identify what kind of affair you are dealing with early in your recovery. That sounds nice, and has a certain logic to it. The question for me is one of how can you know what kind of affair you are dealing with when you are not even talking with the cheater? You may be able to guess and make assumptions about what kind of affair you are dealing with, but how accurate will it be when you are only getting your side of the story?

This is why I take a different approach with my “No drama solution” in the Affair Recovery Workshop, which emphasizes getting you and your communication back in shape BEFORE the two of you begin addressing what kind of affair you are dealing with. In the long run, what works better—each of you working alone, or the two of you working together on tackling this issue?

To me, it is more logical to get the two of you working together in tackling a common problem, rather than having the two of you arguing over whether you are dealing with affair type #4 or #2, and what the cheater’s motivation is—along with running headlong into their resistance right off the bat. In my experience, the cheater’s head and heart are in la-la land, or as I call it, the “Affair Fog.” They are not thinking clearly enough to give you straight answers, much less know the straight answers for themselves.

The cheater and you will be doing good to have any kind of clarity about things by six months after D-Day. When your mind and emotions are not clear, what kind of solutions will you be coming up with? Both of you will need clarity in getting your marriage back. Having clarity keeps away confused thinking. When you have clarity, you can make clear choices instead of your best guess.

There are different kinds of affairs that I can appreciate. An affair driven by sexual addiction is different than a one-night stand, and those are very different from swinging. The needs in each of these are different. The parts of the brain you are dealing with are different. How the two of you will work together on recovery will be different.

One-size answers do not fit all the situations people come up with, let alone their emotions. There is a time to deal with questions about what kind of affair it is—I just do not think the front end of recovery is that time. It is no wonder that some of you are confused as to what to do, when you have so many different lists and different names on each list.

How you deal with the affair does make a difference.

Best Regards,

Jeff

 

 

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2 Responses

  1. That’s def an analytical approach. The first question that MUST be anwered by both spouces is DO you really want the marriage and are you willing to do the hard work
    to make it work? For the cheater, it means extreme accountablilty and honesty. For the one cheated on, it means working through painful emotions/conversations and forgiveness…Also, it means knowing when “enough is enough” and the other partner is unresponsive, secrative, continuing in the SIN. When there is a genuine repentance, not just a ‘sorry’, anything can be restored. Without it, nothing can happen. NEXT, is answering “What kind of affair”? This is important b/c it will tell what kind of accountability needs to be in place for restroation. NO matter what the excuse, the offending party must examine his own failures with God first, then to his family second. Any whiff on an excuse keeps an open door for a second (or 3rd, 4th, 5th…) affair.

    1. Becky,

      Thank you for sharing. I agree with you on the first question to consider. The question, “DO you really want the marriage and are you willing to do the hard work to make it work?” is crucial. I also find the question “What is a marriage?” is important to consider as well. How each spouse views marriage along with their commitment to the marriage relationship is foundational.

      When the foundation is shaky, the rest of the relationship issues are shaky. Having a solid, sure foundation is an important first step in rebuilding the relationship.

      I agree that repentance is also necessary. Not just confessing. True repentance involves turning away from the old ways, being willing to be accountable, and seeking a restoration and repair of the damage done. Many couples make the mistake of confusing confession with repentance.

      With genuine repentance, the couple can then open up communication in their marriage. Unrepentance often shuts down communication. With the improved communication, steps are then taken to deal with the affair, regardless of what kind it was.

      The sin issue definitely has to be dealt with. My own experience is that many Christians have so much denial in this area, the do not see the sins or recognize them when they are in front of their face. The more honest they are in confronting and dealing with it, the more healing that can happen. When it comes to affairs, there are also deceptions and manipulations which have to be addressed as well. There is often a fine, yet fuzzy line between being deceived and willful sinning.

      There is a time to consider “What kind of affair it was”, yet I see that as happening AFTER they have taken steps to improve their relationship. I have seen too many couples trip themselves up with arguing about what kind or category of affair happened rather than starting the work on healing. Two people working together always accomplish more than each of them working against each other.

      Thank you again for bringing up the importance of the commitment to marriage question and the sin questions in dealing with affairs.

      Best Regards,

      Jeff

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