In the aftermath of an affair, behaviors are often at the forefront of the arguments/discussions. The reason behaviors are at the front is their visibility. They make easy targets since they are observable. Behaviors can be either denied or admitted to. What is often not discussed is attitudes. It is as if the attitudes are hidden behind the behaviors. Attitudes color the daily interactions of spouses, yet are rarely the focus of attention after an affair. Although we know what it is like to be on the receiving end of an attitude, bringing those attitudes to the attention of one’s spouse is often a challenging matter.
It is important to deal with the attitudes AND the behaviors, rather than just what is easily observable. With attitudes, each spouse will need to assume responsibility for what they have felt, thought and done. It is only when they assume that responsibility that the “look what you made me do” or “you made me feel this way” is going to stop.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, cheating, dealing with the attitudes behind affairs, infidelity, relationships, Understanding Affairs, what are the behaviors hiding
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Adultery is one of those heinous acts that people often search for who is to blame. The focus on blaming often keeps each of the spouses from taking an honest look at what each can do to improve the marriage. The blaming often takes the form of good person/bad person. A distinct difference is noted between the two spouses. This good person/bad person often takes center stage rather than what each did that contributed to the situation developing or what needs to be done to improve the marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
blame for the affair, blame for the infidelity, cheating, relationships, Understanding Affairs
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A question that is often very difficult to handle is “Is it my fault that my spouse had an affair?” Such questions often keep the emotional tension at a high point. There are feelings of guilt, shame, anger and often rage associated with this question. Many times there are mixed answers to the question. There are the the answers you tell yourself, and then there are the gut-level answers that often gnaw at you. Just by asking the question, you are looking for someone or something to blame for what happened. There is a massive search for the donkey to pin the tail on. Since most people have difficulty accepting blame and responsibility, this is a question that seeks to appease the conscience and attach or remove blame. It is a question that few want to look at honestly, yet all need to if they want to repair their relationship.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, blame for adultery, blame for the affair, cheating, infidelity, relationships, Understanding Affairs
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One of my sons is a Quintin Tarantino fan, and as such he uses quotes from his movies. One of those quotes concerns revenge. In one movie of the Kill Bill series, revenge is likened to a forest that one often gets lost in. The more I thought about it, I realized there is some truth to it from what I have seen with couples. It is common for one spouse to seek revenge for the affair. Filing for divorce is often a form of revenge. In the case of filing for divorce, the spouse often gets lost in the forest. Divorce lawyers end up costing more than expected. What should have been a few hundred dollars has turned into several thousand, and you are no closer to final settlement. The deisre to get out or the relationship often turns into a drive to devestate them while devestaring yourself in the process. When this mutual devestation of emotional and financial resources takes place, they have definitely gotten lost in the forest. They forgot what they wanted in the first place. Before you get lost in the forest of revenge, consider what it is that you really want in the aftermath of an affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs and divorce, infidelity and divorce, Infidelity and revenge, revenge and divorce dont mix well, Understanding Affairs
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In reading through articles concerning affairs, a complaint made by adulterers is the lack of resources available to them. I exclaimed to myself “Are they not looking?!” It surprised me that the concern was raised. After thinking about it, I realized that this is the kind of thinking that got them in this place anyways. They want a quick fix to the marriage that involves a minimal amount of effort. That is not going to happen. I know of several books that deal with that topic. Gary Smalley and Willard Harley have written some just to name a couple. You will need to repair the marriage, not just patch up the damage from the affair.
If they can not find one specifically for them, they can use one of the books to help the resolute spouse and do some reverse engineering if nothing else. They need to understand how it effects their spouse as well as themselves. The material is out there in terms of how to repair their marriage. They may have to look for it and find what works for them, but even the search is part of the healing process. “How badly to you want to heal your marriage?” is a question they need to consider.
The same article was expressing concern about how the therapists want them to admit the affair to their spouse. This information was expressed as a concern. I would be concerned if the therapist did not want to make them get honest about the affair. Hiding secrets often gets us into worse problems than would occur if they were dealt with.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, cheating, dealing with your cheating, healing for the adulterer, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, resources for the adulterer, Understanding Affairs
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One of the hazards of serving in the military oversees is the high risk of infidelity. Infidelity is dangerous enough at home, yet when it occurs in other nations, it is often more life-threatening than domestic occurrences. Affairs are life-threatening. If they do not threaten your life physically, they do so emotionally and spiritually. Not only are they dangerous for the adulterous spouse, they can also be dangerous for the lover or the resolute spouse. With affairs related to military service, just the suggestion of fraternizing can often end up getting people killed. In this story from the 1950’s, Kim Soo-im, a Korean woman was killed for having an affair with an American soldier. She was executed as a spy. It was found out later that no secrets had been exchanged, but that did not matter. This kind of story happens often in war time. If you have a spouse serving overseas, or you find your self serving overseas, added care must be taken to reduce the likelihood of infidelity. Your life and your spouse’s life may depend on it.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery in the military, affairs in the military, Affairs in the News, infidelity in the military, Kim Soo im, Korea, the danger of affairs
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One concern expressed by those who have been impacted by affairs is “How long does the pain last?” The answer depends on which person you are talking about. Affairs have a way of inflicting pain across the generations and through time. You may excuse and forgive the infidelity, but will your children forgive it? Will they think that it is understandable or forgivable? A common rationalization concerning adultery is that it is “two consenting adults”. Yes, but those adults have bonds with other people. What those two adults do impacts many others now and in the future. Consider if you want your grandchild to approach you and ask “Why did you have an affair?” Even if they don’t ask you in person, they ask it privately and come up with their own answers.
Although you and your spouse may forgive the incident and believe the hurt is over. The loss of reputation and the pain associated with it cuts across the generations. The same short sightedness that led to the affair often prevents people from seeing how their actions affect future generations, especially when there is a pregancy involved. So in response to the question “How long does the pain last?” -No one knows. Even to this day, the pain of historic affairs such as Julius Ceasar and Herod’s picadillos are still taked about and associated with the shame and tarnished images associated with those figures.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Affairs and Children, affairs and the effects, effects of affairs on children through the generations, infidelity and reputations, Understanding Affairs
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A woman in Australia came up with a creative way of dealing with her husband’s affair. She is auctioning off the evidence she found. She is offering for sale on ebay, the panties/knickers of the paramour (she calls her a ‘tart’) and her husband’s condom. They are being offered as a package deal at the Australian eBay site.
Affairs in the News, Australia, eBay infidelity items, wife auctions off evidence of affair
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In the aftermath of an affair, people do not think clearly. The difficulty thinking makes it especially challenging to identify key decision points. One of those is “When should I leave?” If your physical safety is in danger, you need to leave. Although that seems simple, when a person has been traumatized, they do not think clearly on such topics. In their mind, bruises can heal and the choking does not get that bad, etc. Since emotions are so volatile in the aftermath of an affair, if there is any history of physical abuse toward you or from you, then questions about safety and leaving need to be asked.
If there has been physical abuse toward the children, you need to leave. This presents a significant safety issue. If such is occurring, you need to remove yourself and children from the situation immediately. Abuse toward the pets or animals is also a glaring warning light that the situation is dangerous.
Safety is a prime concern. No emotional issues can be worked through if there is not an atmosphere of physical safety. Emotional and spiritual safety are also concerns, although they are worked through in different manners.
It is my hope that this helps you during this challenging time in your life.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
infidelity, leaving the relationship after an affair, Rebuilding the relationship, safety after an affair, Understanding Affairs, when to leave the relationship after an affair
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One of the things I remember about the old television show, Mission:Impossible was how the message would self-destruct. I was reminded of this in dealing with some affair situations. Many times, after finding out about affairs, spouses will self-destruct on mental and emotional levels. This is often accomplished with the mantra “Why did he/she….?” They torment themselves trying to find the motivations and thinking of their adulterous spouse. Although on one level it appears rational to ask questions that explain what happened, in this case, such questions are ’self-destructive’. Since the adulterous spouse was often not thinking, but merely reacting, to spend hours trying to comprehend what they were thinking is an exercise in futility. Besides being mentally futile, it ties up your energies focusing on the past rather than facing the present or resolving the issues you are facing.
Persistently asking “why” questions also keeps the emotional issues stirred up. The stirring up of such emotions will keep the resolute spouse in a persistent state of agitation. Since the mind will find an answer or explanation to the questions it is asked, the why questions often become self-destructive due to the fact that they generate answers that often lay the blame on the person asking the question since they can’t find answers elsewhere.
Since adulterers often live a life of double standards and secrets, trying to comprehend and understand it in a consistent, coherent manner is not possible. The “why” questions posed turn into the tool of the spouses self-destruction. By obsessing onsuch questions, the resolute spouse turns themselves into a ‘basket case’, thus transforming the adulterer into a martyr who is justified in doing what they did, due to the fact that they live with a basket case spouse.
If you are wanting to overcome an affair, it is essential to your survival to avoid the why questions that bring with them self-destruction.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adulery, cheating, dealing with adultery, infidelity, questions after the affair, Rebuilding the relationship, self destructive behavior after an affair, Understanding Affairs
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